核心提示：看点 魏剑峰老师以精讲《经济学人》、分享超干货英语学习方法而在知乎上收获了大批拥趸。在本文中，他以学生的雅思考试习作为例，分析怎样通过调整不当用词、修正句式，尤其是理顺逻辑，来修改一篇作文。 有“英文写作圣经”之称的On Writing Well 的作者 William Zinsser 认为，改写...
看点 魏剑峰老师以精讲《经济学人》、分享超干货英语学习方法而在知乎上收获了大批拥趸。在本文中，他以学生的雅思考试习作为例，分析怎样通过调整不当用词、修正句式，尤其是理顺逻辑，来修改一篇作文。
有“英文写作圣经”之称的On Writing Well 的作者 William Zinsser 认为，改写是写作至关重要的一部分（Rewriting is the essence of writing）。很少有人能一下笔就写出完美的文章，好作品都是经过无数次修改之后形成的。
这句话放在平时的写作练习也同样合适，修改是一个很重要的写作环节，在打磨一篇文章的过程中，我们能够学到很多关于用词、句式和逻辑的知识。每个人都应该学会修改作文。
一般来说，我们可以从以下几个方面着手对文章进行修改：
1）用词：对照词典检查是否出现词不达意或用词冗余现象；
2）句式：检查是否有语法错误，比如主谓一致、垂悬句式、时态问题等。对于冗余句子可以进行精简。
3）逻辑：检查各个论点是否符合要求，论据是否充分有力，段落展开过程是否做到逻辑清晰。
为了更好地说明上述修改过程，我以最近修改的一篇学生作文为例进行分析，
这是一篇雅思作文，题目为：
People believe that using mobile phones and computers to communicate make us lose the ability to communicate with each other face to face. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
原始的作文版本如下：
We live in a world where communication through state-of-the-art technology such as smart phone and computer is here to stay.
Some people consider those wall-to-wall tools can harm our ability to communicate with people face to face. I concur with this opinion.
I do believe phones and computers not only rob man of much time and room for face to face, but also reduce the level of people’s interpersonal communication skills.
The modern communication tools are going to make massive inroads into daily life, directly reducing people’s time and opportunity for face to face.
A most popular YouTube video—“I Forgot My Phone” is a case in point. The two-minute video begins with a couple in bed. The woman stares silently while her boyfriend pays no mind and checks his smartphone.
The subsequent scenes follow women through a day that is downright dystopian: people ignore her as they stare at their phones during lunch, at a concert, while bowling and even at her birthday party.
The clip ends with women back in bed with her boyfriend at the end of the day; he is still using his phone. It needles people about addiction to that little screen and suggests how a modern electronic gizmo nibbles away at people’s face-to-face time and chances.
Smartphone and computer-obsessed culture also kill man’s skills on reading non-verbal communication. According to psychologist, 90% of communication between people is non-verbal. Such as the expression on face, bodily gestures or tone of voice, to name but a few, can all show one’s feelings or thoughts to the other.
However, if someone, day and night, is glued to the screen of mobile phone for chatting and tweeting and, all the time, is married to virtual worlds of computer for gaming and socializing, he will hard to catch the subtle tone in employers voice, see parents’ expression as it changes from sad to outraged, and look partners in the eye to see if they are trustworthy.
In fact, people heavily relying on screens and losing non-verbal communication could give rise to suspicions, misunderstanding, even divisions.
In conclusion, I am convinced that technology, especially computers and phones, is a good servant but a bad master for communication. If people were continued to stare at screens, they would have lost true face to face and even more than now.
这篇文章可以从下面几个角度进行修改：
1
用词
用词不当：
1) Smartphone and computer-obsessed culture also kill man’s skills on reading non-verbal communication. kill 不能和 skill 搭配，此处可以改成 hinder/weaken, 后面的介词搭配也有误，不能说 skill on doing sth. 而是 skill at/in doing sth.
2) bodily gestures 生造表达，可以改为 body language
3）In fact, people heavily relying on screens and losing non-verbal communication could give rise to suspicions, misunderstanding, even divisions. 其中 heavily relying on screens 词不达意，这里要表达的意思是“对于过度依赖手机通讯的人”，句子可以改成 Heavy reliance on eletronic communication could lead to misunderstandings.
4) I am convinced that technology, especially computers and phones, is a good servant but a bad master for communication. 其中 master 同样词不达意。 句子大意是“手机和电脑是好工具，但不利于通信”，这里建议直接写成 I am convinced that smart phones and computers do more harm than good when it comes to cultivating/developing/building interpersonal skills.
冗余：
1) can all show one’s feelings or thoughts to the other... 其中 to the other 对于句意表达没有帮助，可以去除。
2）I do believe phones and computers not only rob man of much time and room for face to face, but also reduce the level of people’s interpersonal communication skills. 其中 interpersonal 本身就带有 communication 的含义，不能重复使用。整个句子可以改成 Phones and computers chew up our time and weaken our interpersonal skills.
此外，这篇文章的用词不够多样，例如 face to face 词组出现了5次，communication 出现了7次，phone 出现了10次，它们都可以通过灵活使用其他表达来替换。
2
句式
结尾最后一句 If people were continued to stare at screens, they would have lost true face to face and even more than now. 作者原本是想使用虚拟语气，但用法有误，这里并不是对过去的虚拟，而是一种假设：假如人们继续过度使用手机和电脑，他们就会失去当面沟通的能力。
句子可以改成 If people rely heavily on electronic communication, they will lose their ability to communicate effectively.
3
逻辑
比起用词和句式方面的不足，这篇文章比较大的问题在于论证逻辑。
文章论证过程是：
正确的逻辑链条应该是：人们因为过度使用手机而造成面对面沟通机会和时间的减少，这种情况如果持续过长，他们就会因为缺乏训练而导致沟通能力退化。
但此处的论证同样存在问题：为什么沉迷手机和电脑就会导致人们难以理解非语言沟通形式？这里逻辑出现了跳跃，补全之后是：沉迷手机和电脑会使人们不愿意或很少有时间与其他人沟通，如果太久没有面对面沟通机会，人们这种理解非语言形式的能力就会退化，进而影响面对面沟通能力。把这一层意思表达出来后，整个逻辑链条才完整。
因此这篇文章改写的重点应该是理清逻辑，明确主要的论点论据。
1）很多人在使用电脑或手机聊天的时候很难保持专注，因为他们会受到大量的信息干扰（比如手机推送的新闻和游戏信息等）。习惯了网络聊天的人注意力持续时间会变短，谈话的时候容易分心，这会对他们在现实生活中的交流造成障碍。
2）不少人习惯了在网络聊天中使用各种流行语和缩写，这种习惯也会被带到现实生活中来。这些网络流行语往往难登大雅之堂，使用过多会给人留下不好的印象。
综合以上分析之后，我们可以开始组织语言对文章进行改写了。下面是我改写的版本，文章没有使用模板以及大词难词，加粗的短语来自《地道英文写作进阶》一书：
We live in a world where smart phones and computers are here to stay. While new technology makes it easier for us to keep in touch with people from far and wide, it also risks weakening our ability to communicate effectively.
The proliferation of smart gadgets could in many ways hinder face-to-face communication skills. Start with non-verbal one.
According to psychologists, 90% of communication between people is non-verbal, i.e. facial expressions and body language. It reveals one’s true feelings and thoughts that are hard to convey through texting or sending voice messages.
As people grow accustomed or even get addicted to using electronic devices to stay connected, they may shy away fromsocial occasions where a certain degree of interaction is required, such as family meals and team sports.
Therefore, they would not be able to develop the ability to read between the lines, and this could make them feel socially awkward and place them at a disadvantage in important events such as job interviews and business negotiations.
Moreover, phones and computers may change people’s conversational behaviour for the worse. Heavy users of such electronics often have a short attention span and are more likely to jump from topic to topic when an idea springs to mind.
As a consequence, they may become unfocused and sidetracked during offline conversations. Internet slang also does its bit.
Today, youngsters who text with abbreviated forms of words tend to speak with the same acronyms and use internet catchphrases heavily. These forms of talking are often construed as flighty and uneducated, from which misunderstandings ensue.
In conclusion, I am convinced that smart phones and computers do more harm than goodwhen it comes to cultivating interpersonal skills. For those who are married tothe wizardry of electronic world, turning off their digital gadgets may be the first step in becoming an effective communicator.
